Imprinting Impressions

Here I am, alone in Old Town (becoming a norm), pondering as I go along with my day to day routine... about how people would usually remember and judge your bad/naughty side despite there being another side of you that's the complete opposite. First impressions are important, yup, but that doesn't mean after leaving a good first impression, letting out your naughtier/bad side won't cause that good first impression to be written over by the latter.

I wonder why I'm even writing about this. Maybe I just want to get it off my chest.. or head.

Sometimes, no matter how much of a good impression you make from the start, once a flaw crops up, it'd be pinned down on the eternal wall of condemnation. And sometimes, no matter how hard/serious you work for long periods of time, letting your hair down (figurative; my hair would only reach my brow even if I 'let it down') equally freely a couple of times would cause people to never take you seriously again, just because you've shown yourself capable of having fun/partying/being a court jester, so to speak.

It's in our sinful human nature to judge. And though I myself try my level best not to, I know I still fall prey to this nasty, automatic little gnawing habit at the very corner of my mind sometimes; almost unknowingly, in a mental whisper that gives a feeling akin to yourself unconsciously eavesdropping, until your conscious mind begins to digest the mutterings of that little part in your head. And then I consciously tell myself to stop, sometimes out aloud if I'm alone. haha

I really don't like it when people generalize my behaviour, thinking they've known me well enough to do so. Perhaps some do know me enough, but more often than not, the ones who do this are those won don't. Still waters run deep, but sometimes, turbulent ones do, too.

I think these thought sprouted from myself noticing how I'm always more reserved and held back when dealing with my church people; leaving my more formal, less-intimate and sometimes I feel, pretentious self to face them. Both sides, the serious hard person; and the lazy, master jester are me. I feel like by only being perceived as one or the other by different people, my free-mouthed outspokenness is stifled, and people will either paint a wrong, deceitful picture of me or even perceive me as an extremely shrouded figure. Real close friends are those who knows these two people in me, and can see and tell which one is in control at different times. I cherish these people; the ones that I would go out of my way to keep in touch with. Not all of these are animate beings though, there are friends like Jasmine and Emma (my guitars) or more generally, music, that I feel are always there for me. I can play the same instrument with aggression and anger, or gently caress it with sensuality; it wouldn't complain, and the instrument's voicing would usually be an apt description of what I'm feeling at the moment. Someone to celebrate, weep and feel mellow with you, pretty neat. Alright, you may think I'm psycho, and you may just be right, but I'm not ashamed of it.

Or maybe I'm just bipolar (actually, this may just be true, hahaha).

I don't mind being judged by people I don't care about, frankly. See me as a flirtatious whore and that's just fine. As the most serious person alive, that's alright. But for people close to me, that I care about, whom I would have to deal with continuously for a long time to come, it just sucks that I have to care, just because if I don't, I may make things difficult for myself and highly likely, someday explode at them like an overstuffed German pork sausage.

So, after writing this up, life still goes on, no changes on the outside. People will still (mis)judge me and piss me off. I may still walk into different places with a mask of formality; maybe not? At least, I feel much better letting out this noxious fart, at a quiet little place where no one will be gravely harmed.. Or so I think.